;)
For a long time I had this believe in my head, that every picture I make has to meet certain expectations. I was constantly questioning if the composition was right, was there enough light, would I present this picture in a exhibition and so on. This way of thinking made me too cautious. I was scared to fail. Then I asked myself, how am I supposed to create something new when I don’t allow myself to fail?
I began to lose the sense of joy and curiosity in creativity, so I knew that I had to change my perception. About a year ago I decided to let go of these made-up expectations. I wanted to learn how to let myself enjoy the very act of photography without overanalysing it. So, that meant I had to start failing.
Then I asked myself, how am I supposed to create something new when I don’t allow myself to fail?
I must admit, It was quite hard at first, because I still had this voice in my head criticizing my every decision. But gradually I learned how to silence this voice and enjoy capturing beautiful things just for the pleasure of it.
Some of my failed attempts
Having said that, I did looked trough the pictures after I developed them and made a selection of what I want to show publicly. The difference was that I did not try to force myself to think of a title, a meaning or a reason why I was presenting that particular picture. I just focused on what felt right at that moment. Showing my works publicly has also helped me to gain more confidence in my artistic decisions and stand by them. I know that my pictures may not appeal to everyone and that is completely fine. I think it is essential to take your art out of the drawer, present it to others and see what happens.
Photos by Urtė Baranauskaitė. Camera – Kiev 60, film – Ilford Delta 3200.
Sharing my art has also helped me to commit and be more consistent. If I was the only viewer of my works, then after a while they would not seem good enough to be shown. I would just keep them somewhere hidden until I made something “perfect”.
How does my creative routine look like? Whenever I feel like it, I grab my camera, put some film inside and go on to take a walk around the city or in the nature. As I am walking and enjoying the moment, I look around and start to notice some interesting compositions, patterns or people. I listen to my inner motivation. If I get a sudden urge to capture what I am seeing, I take out my camera and do it. After I press the shutter button, I go on without lingering or re-thinking if I captured the moment in a “right way”. Sometimes I do not get this inner urge to make a picture, even if the composition looks amazing. When this happens, I just stand there for a while and appreciate what I see with my eyes. Not all moments are meant to be captured by the camera.
Photos by Urtė Baranauskaitė. Camera – Kiev 88, film – Ilford Delta 3200.
Photos by Urtė Baranauskaitė. Camera – Kiev 88, film – Ilford Delta 3200.
I choose to shoot film, because it gives me necessary limits to enhance my creativity and to feel more relaxed. As you know, when you shoot with a film camera, there is no way to instantly preview what you have photographed. It is not possible to know fully what the outcome will be. This gives me a sense of relief, because it is way easier to let go and move on, to enjoy, when you cannot know the result right then and there. If I had a digital camera, I would surely take 5 or 10 pictures of the same composition just to “get it right”. With film camera I only make one shot and keep on walking. What is more, I only have 12 shots before my film runs out. This lets me appreciate what I photograph and spend extra few minutes to slowly emerge in the moment before I press the shutter button. This way I feel more connected with what I am shooting. I do not have a desire to re-do it after that one shot. It feels special. Even if the picture does not look that good or is ruined after developing it, I don’t feel too bad. It still brings back the feelings I felt during that moment when I made the photo. Film photography allows me to enjoy the slow process and the journey from noticing something and then making it physical.
Photos by Urtė Baranauskaitė. Camera – Kiev 88 and Kiev 60, film – Ilford Delta 3200.
If you want to see more photographs by Urtė Baranauskaitė, follow her on Instagram @urtebara.
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